How To “BDSM”

BDSM means different things to different people. Some may be pretty sure they aren’t into it, while many of us can’t help but be curious. But what do you need to know if you’re new to BDSM? Like an open relationship, kink is a term that covers a variety of activities and forms of sexual expression.

We explore some of the terminologies of the kink world in more depth here, but at the start, it’s important to take note of this variety because outsiders often think of kink in limited and perhaps somewhat sensational terms. You may already have certain fantasies that you want to explore.

When starting to explore BDSM, remember that there’s no need to rush to create your own perfectly stocked dungeon room. To begin, you could try being blindfolded and let your partner tickle you with a feather, or lightly stroke your skin with a flogger. If that turns you on, move towards slightly racier bondage play, like binding wrists with a silk tie or, a massage candle being dripped on your skin, or exploring the sensation of playful spanking.

If you want to take your new interest into BDSM seriously, remember that safewords are the first thing you need to educate yourself on. Safe words are a guide to say pause or stop. It will allow you to feel safe and have some control during this new experience. Talk about who will be playing the roles of dominant and submissive, and be clear about what you are willing to try and what is too far outside of your comfort zone. Having this talk will strengthen your communication, build intimacy, and create a strong sense of trust so that you can let go of your reserves and explore some kinkier play safely and comfortably in your relationship.

Here’s what else you need to know.

Avoid shiny object syndrome.

That is to say, go slow and take your time. BDSM is a web of countless activities. From spanking and bondage to Dominance, needle play, and more. It’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole when you first begin exploring this new world. At first, it can feel like a 5-year-old let loose in a candy store. Many people who are brand new to BDSM immediately want to try all the things and end up over-indulging. Take it slow, go in knowing there will be endless temptations, and smartly have fun. 

Consent, consent, and did we mention consent? 

If you know the basics of consent, you MUST start there. All BDSM activities are based on this very important concept. Skipping this means you risk doing significant harm to others and yourself. Just remember, consent must be enthusiastic, on-going, informed, and voluntary. Which is to say it’s a fully engaged, un-coerced, un-manipulated YES.

Have fun.

You are probably going to feel awkward the first few times you try to tie a fancy knot or command someone to their knees. You’re going to make mistakes. Keep it all in the spirit of adventure and learning. Also, remember that many BDSM activities are dangerous, so find a trusted educator and enlist their help.

Determine your role

Remember that if you’re doing power play (Dominance and submission or Master and slave or Sadist and masochist), both of you have equal power when you negotiate a play ahead of time. Everyone has an equal say as you decide on the boundaries in certain plays, especially in the beginning. As you get better at negotiating a scene, you’ll learn how to make it endlessly fun and even an important part of your foreplay.

Safe words are critical! Some people like these code words:

Red: stop immediately, no questions asked 
Yellow: I’m uncomfortable or reaching my limit or need to slow down)
Green: Keep going! 

Some people come up with words for use in their scene but remember,— if you are in a highly intense scene where it’s difficult to think or form words (and yes this happens), simple is usually best.

Know your boundaries

Just because you are exploring BDSM in the bedroom doesn’t mean you need to give up control outside of the bedroom. Some people are not interested in anything more than using BDSM as a way to spice up sex. Some people have a Master/slave style relationship and like to have a little kinky sex. You and your partner should understand what the other is looking for and respect each person’s boundaries.

Always be honest

Honesty is the most important aspect of BDSM. ​Your partner​ needs to know information about you; such as past ​experiences, health concerns, emotional triggers, and turn-offs. Your partner is not a mind-reader and can not instinctively know your needs, wants, and limits. 

Now that you know the very basics of how to start your adventure into the BDSM world, you can view upcoming events here where you can meet like-minded people and build relationships!

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