Dealing With a Difference in Libido

This piece is written from a heterosexual viewpoint, but I think all might find points of commonality or points that they feel they can relate to.

Except for the first few months (maybe a year or two) of a relationship most couples end up with a difference in their sex drives – and research has shown that it is often the case that in a heterosexual relationship he has the libido, this is something I experienced in my first marriage, and yes it created issues and unfortunately because we were unable as a couple to communicate about most things including this, it was never resolved, however, this is not what I want to discuss in this piece: I want to tackle when things are the other way around, when she has a greater sex drive than he does.

At this point I need to give you a heads-up – I don’t have any unique solutions, but I can tell you my story and what we did that worked, didn’t work, worked sort of / sometimes / maybe.

My current partner is 10 years younger than I, and in the beginning we had the above problem, he had a very active libido, I couldn’t have cared less if we had sex or not, and found his need for regular sex quite overwhelming at times and experienced a great deal of anxiety, guilt, resentment and anger depending on my frame of mind at that moment. My hats off to him, he kept trying different things and ways to try and make things better for me, and easier for me, even using porn and masturbation, and although relieved that I didn’t need to be involved, I didn’t like that solution.

The one thing he did which I think helped a lot, he encouraged me to voice my concerns, my needs (what did I know about those) and slowly I opened up to mentioning things that I might like, bottom line: we eventually worked out that I am kinky, vanilla sex does not work for me. Finding my “on button” (Kink – BDSM to be specific) took about 10 years though – eeek, by this time he was older, had a more stressful worklife and his libido wasn’t what it was, but mine improved a great deal until we ended up in the situation we have been in for over a year now, I want sexual interaction more than he does.

This results in so much going on emotionally within me, from: he doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t want me anymore – he would rather have a younger, sexier, thinner model. Being Obese and 50 years old doesn’t help me believe him when he says none of the above is true. My mind, like so many women, is my worst enemy.

My solution when in a problem? – research, that’s my go to. So I spoke to  people and read everything I could find. I discovered:

1. Men struggle with libido when stressed, and erectile dysfunction – it isn’t personal (very difficult for the emotional brain to accept)
2. 20% of men have lower sex drives than their female partners,
3. Some men don’t want sex at all
4. Loads of advice on how to fix it – from role play to initiating sex, to communication, to toys, you can google this, you will find the top 10 ways, top 10 things to try, etc.

So intellectual mind says this is normal, emotional mind is still going he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want me, I don’t turn him on.

The one thing we have always had going for us, is we are willing to talk – it sometimes doesn’t work, but we are always willing to try, so discuss we did, numerous issues came up.

1. Stress
2. Timing
3. My health issues
4. Not wanting to pressure me (ie 10 years of the reverse problem)
5. Insecurity in his ability to give me the dominance I crave in the bedroom.

He needed an indication that I was good to go, and I couldn’t make it too overt because of my need to be submissive in this area – so you can see that it got complicated. Then I would wake up and roll over to him masturbating and that would hurt, because I wanted sex, and being submissive was there for the taking, and he would rather masturbate. Logical head saying, its easier and quicker than a full dominance scene that sex with me required, but you can see how the emotional side would maybe not listen.

Our saving grace: we talked some more, we tried new ideas, ways for me to indicate what I wanted, and then talked some more, have we got it right – no, is it better – yes.

So what am I telling you with all this?

You are not alone

It is emotionally hurtful even damaging

The only way through is for both to communicate openly and be willing to try something, and if it doesn’t work, try something else

It takes both of you

It requires both to be patient, understanding and kind

One solution does not fit all, one solution sometimes doesn’t even fit that couple the whole time

Sometimes it cant be 100% fixed

My advice

Talk, talk and then talk some more,

Research

Talk

Speak to others

Talk some more

Have ideas to try

And you guessed it – talk some more.

And in between get a vibrator – at least you can explore your body and maybe find out somethings you didn’t know about yourself.

It is a difficult, emotional situation to be in, and hopefully yours can be resolved a lot quicker than mine, but if not or you need someone who understands to offload to you welcome to contact me on mommabear@nawtynniche.co.za, it does help to speak to someone who at least understands a little. Kisses and Hugs.